Do you want to Survive or to Live?

A few months back something happened while sitting in meditation. It could have probably happened to me any other time. But in meditation I am most present, most aware of my feelings and physical sensations. So it makes sense to me, that I had this very important experience on my meditation cushion.

What happened was, that I suddenly felt the difference between bare survival and actual living on a deep level of perception. It was as if I had found a switch, that could get me from the fight-or-flight-response to a relaxed and open state in seconds. This felt like magic to me. But it was nothing more than close observation.

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No Energy. No Problem.

Today is one of these days, where my energy is so low, that even a trip to the kitchen to fill up on tea, seems like a lot. I try my best to give my body what it needs, to restore itself. Enough hydration, good food and a lot of rest, if possible. And definitely a relaxed mindset. No Problem.

It used to be different though. I had long periods of fatigue, that sometimes even ended up in me having a cold. Or just not being able to get out of bed for multiple days. These heavy exhaustive states were accompanied by anger and frustration at myself and my body. It seemed like a failure.

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Leave Fear + Hope behind & find a different Narrative

What if you knew, that in a few weeks, months or years, you’ll look back on your life, as it is right now, and think: “Oh right! It totally makes sense now! That’s why I had problem x! This is why I was struggling!” – It would make learning to be ourselves, to be fully present with life as it is, so much easier and a lot less scary.

But you don’t know. So you freak out, you panic and you suffer. Every single time, it seems. – What can we do about it, you ask?

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Don’t move! Just relax into it!

The last few months have been so so stressful. More than the level of stress I anticipated for my life in the foreseeable future. As I wrote before, I did not have the feeling, that what I had learned along the way, was helping much. Sure, a little bit. Otherwise, I would be sick all the time  – Which I was hardly at all! Yaaaaay! – or flipping out every single day – Which I am not! Really happy about that! So yeah, some progress, but as I wrote before, it felt like a lot of regress, too.

So what to do? I had to think about my meditation teacher, how when he was going through some heavy stuff his teacher told him: “If you can’t go left or right, back or forth, up or down – stay exactly where you are.”

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