I am having a hard time relaxing recently. Trying to use any of the tools I have learned on the way so far. I try to deal with stress as best as I can. But it feels like a lot of steps back. One thing I observe though is, that I don’t freak out about it too much, as I used to do. Regress, or at least felt regress, always freaked the heck out of me. Now, I am thinking: Okay, let’s see what happens. Let’s see how long this goes on for before things change.
I had a very challenging year. And with challenging I mean: Everything was shaken up. Got into movement, had to be dealt with and was taking me constantly to my limit. On a personal, professional and even a hormonal level.
It was honestly the hardest year I had in a while. Probably also the most progress I made on many levels. But never a pause, time to really relax and take a breath except for a 10-day meditation-retreat.
Naturally, I am quite exhausted. And my capacities are frankly non-existent. I constantly don’t manage to handle situations well and feel like whatever I thought I had already accomplished in terms of self-development is slipping right out of my hands. But that is of course not true. That’s drama queen grabbing the microphone and having a drunken fit. (I don’t drink, but I imagine that part of me being in a constant drug-induced hysteria, unconscious and totally out of it.)
If I think back on the year, I could say, that my lesson was probably, to stay calm in the midst of all of this. The storm that these past 12 months have been, was forcing me into a) letting go of a picture perfect time in my life, where everything would be manageable and easy (getting real, right there) and b) learning to rest and relax in the middle of all the chaos. Because that’s all we can do – not to wait ‘till the storm is over but learn to dance in the rain, right?
So the lesson seems clear. How did I do throughout this particular course? I would say, better than I would have years before and worse than my wise inner me thought I could do. But then again, that wise part is also enormously understanding, compassionate and forgiving.
And that is the biggest development I see in myself: this gentle inner voice. Ready to be on my side, to nudge me if I need it, but to respect and understand my limitations, my faults and the slow motion of my progress. In other words: I love myself despite everything that is not working out, that I don’t manage, can’t handle. This gentle inner voice is the voice of self-love. It grants me absolution, time and time again. And it states, that I am good enough, no matter what and acknowledges, that I am doing my best, always.
I hope 2018 will be full of surprises and opportunities to grow. I mean, yeah, we are talking about life here, so I would be surprised if 2018 would go by all mellow and chill. I hope though, that I will have some time to integrate the newly learned stuff and move on with a bit more of a balanced ground beneath my feet.
How did your 2017 look in terms of personal growth? What have you learned?
And what would you want to see happening in 2018?
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