I grew up with a narcissistic mom. Naturally, I knew nothing of my self-worth or what I wanted and needed. I did not have the chance to develop an inner voice. The narcissistic parent tends to undermine that.
They don’t do it consciously, I don’t think. Still, the result is a kid, then a teenager and finally a young adult, who does not know what’s going on inside of them. It might seem like they do, but important feelings, needs and wishes are buried deep down.
Often the sons and daughters of narcissists end up in a relationship with another…you guessed it: narcissist. As it is the clishé: You marry your mom or dad 😀 And of course, the inner voice, which was not developed in the first place is not given any room to grow at any later point in the relationship with a narc (short for narcissist).
The symbiotic partners of narcs stay astranged from themselves and are therefore easy to “rule”. Instead of being able to finally take care of their own needs and wishes, they take good care of the narc’s ones.
So this may be old news for you. You want to know what to do about it? How to shield yourself, you ask?
It’s pretty straightforward: You can’t hear your inner voice? Then tune into it! You have to start listening to yourself! Get to know who you are by diving deep into the beauty of your being! Once you develop a certain level of self-awareness through it, narcissists won’t stand a chance with you! Ever again! Promise!
You have got to understand, that there needs to be “someone at home” to stand up for you. If you’re always looking outside at what others need or want (because that’s what you have learned as correct behavior when growing up) you won’t be able to take up room for yourself in any relation to the world. Basically, that’s you saying: It’s okay, that I don’t exist.
I get it, change seems scary and hard to do. But it gets exponentially easier. And once you have started changing, you never want to go back! Word!
Here is how rewarding the changes can be for you. By tuning into your own voice the following things will happen:
- you’ll start trusting yourself
- you’ll make better decisions
- you’ll gain self-worth
- you’ll be able to set healthy boundaries
- you will be overall happier AND
- Narcs will have no chance with you!
To go a little further into this topic – since you’re already here: JP Sears opens up a really interesting perspective on it. He calls out the narcissistic partner on not taking responsibility for their situation and shows how similar the lack of self-worth is with the narc and their partner and how they are just express it in different ways.
I got lucky and did not find myself in another narcissistic relationship after leaving home. (Well, no romantic narc relationships, to be precise…) What I ended up doing though, was reproducing some of my mom’s behaviors in my relationships. Not full-on narc. But enough for my taste!
In therapy, I had to look in terror at the fact, that I had done to others, what was done to me, although I had sworn to never ever hurt anyone the way I was hurt in this initial narcissistic relationship.
I got over it. I have asked for forgiveness and I have forgiven myself. I know today, that only with self-awareness can you make sure you don’t get hurt and don’t hurt others either. I practiced this self-awareness and introspection and got to know myself better over the past 10 years.
And I have to say, it feels like so much has changed for the better! I never thought life could feel this wonderful! So I can only encourage you: Go do the work! Go heal yourself!
At the same time, friends, there is still so much to explore for me… And at this point, it’s just very exciting! I am a psychonaut, most definitely!
Are you stuck in a relationship with a narcissist? How is your connection to yourself? Can you be present with yourself? Do you speak your mind, or rather, your feelings? Can you find support with friends, therapy or coaching to get some space for exploring yourself and tuning into the treasures of you?
Come and work with me on that topic, if you like. Find more information here: http://lifewithmyself.com/talk-to-me
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