From Fear to Love – Part II – First learn to notice Fear

In Part I of this blog series on love and fear I was describing a little bit of my own experience, how things shifted for me. If you hadn’t had a chance to read it, here it is: http://lifewithmyself.com/love-fear-choice-part1

In this Part II of the blog series I want to talk more directly about love and fear as basic energies and how important it is to notice them, especially fear, as a first step to change.

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From Fear to Love – Part I – We always have a choice

I was raised in fear. Being so much immersed in it, it seemed normal, this constant high level of stress. Some part of me probably knew it wasn’t all that normal or even good because I kept being drawn to spacious slow music, to candlelight, people who were soft-spoken and generally everything that seemed to promise a different life. But these kinds of things are just a drop in the ocean of fear, which used to be my life. 

I did not know better. I was raised in fear. And at the same time, there was always the story in my head, the hope of love in my heart, of a love so big, it can transform everything. But for a few decades, this kind of love was not accessible to me. Sure, drip drip drip, small bits here and there, but not the big constant flow of love, that I would have needed to get out of this feeling of constantly being on the run (even in the most comfy PJs on the sofa).

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Ego trip or Self-care?

I recently had a conversation with my mom. Remember, the narcissist? Yeah, so I’m not here to bash my mom. She tries her best to deal with herself and the world. I accept that. The core message of the conversation we had, is so important to me though, that I want to share it with you:

So my mom was pointing out, how in my generation (born in the 80ies) and beyond, people seem so much more focused on themselves instead of caring about others. She sees it as an ongoing ego trip, the younger generations are on. – Says the narcissist. (Sry, it’s just so ironic, I have to point it out!) – As we went further into the conversation we came to the agreement, that there is a trend of too much focus on the self. Or rather too much of the wrong kind of focus. Let me explain:

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How to grow Self-love

Today, I want to talk about the difference between self-love and self-care. And how to get to that place, where you are able to love yourself. It is not an easy thing. I bet you can see it when you look at the people around you. We are beating ourselves up, we are pressuring ourselves and are our own harshest critics. That does not sound like love, does it?

So how do you start loving yourself? Well, it’s not something that happens overnight. Like all really powerful and beautiful things in life, they tend to need time and care to grow. Sometimes, it seems like somebody suddenly changed overnight. But this way to go about self-love, instant-love, is rarely working out. And I would be tempted to say, that even sudden changes have been a long time in the making.

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How to shield yourself from a Narcissist

I grew up with a narcissistic mom. Naturally, I knew nothing of my self-worth or what I wanted and needed. I did not have the chance to develop an inner voice. The narcissistic parent tends to undermine that.

They don’t do it consciously, I don’t think. Still, the result is a kid, then a teenager and finally a young adult, who does not know what’s going on inside of them. It might seem like they do, but important feelings, needs and wishes are buried deep down.

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No Energy. No Problem.

Today is one of these days, where my energy is so low, that even a trip to the kitchen to fill up on tea, seems like a lot. I try my best to give my body what it needs, to restore itself. Enough hydration, good food and a lot of rest, if possible. And definitely a relaxed mindset. No Problem.

It used to be different though. I had long periods of fatigue, that sometimes even ended up in me having a cold. Or just not being able to get out of bed for multiple days. These heavy exhaustive states were accompanied by anger and frustration at myself and my body. It seemed like a failure.

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Your Needs vs the Needs of Others – How much can you give?

My partner asked me recently: Do you believe, that in order to be able to take care of other people’s needs, you have to put your own needs aside?

This is a question I started asking myself only a few years ago. Before that, I didn’t even ask. To me, it was clear, that in order to help, to be loving and kind, which is to me a wonderful way to exist on this earth, is to put your own needs aside. Being sick, tired or completely exhausted like clockwork was the two cents my body popped into this internal Q&A.

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In a totally crazy 2017 I find Self-love as my strongest Supporter

I am having a hard time relaxing recently. Trying to use any of the tools I have learned on the way so far. I try to deal with stress as best as I can. But it feels like a lot of steps back. One thing I observe though is, that I don’t freak out about it too much, as I used to do. Regress, or at least felt regress, always freaked the heck out of me. Now, I am thinking: Okay, let’s see what happens. Let’s see how long this goes on for before things change.

I had a very challenging year. And with challenging I mean: Everything was shaken up. Got into movement, had to be dealt with and was taking me constantly to my limit. On a personal, professional and even a hormonal level.

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