About 6 weeks ago I woke up in the middle of the night. And half asleep I opened my eyes and thought in a very decisive way: “Okay, give me the next step!” It was a command, a wish and an allowing for something to happen. My conscious mind was just waking up slightly, peeking through the veils of dream. For a few seconds, nothing happened, until a huge wave of energy started to simultaneously surge from both of my feet, up the legs to meet at the base of my spine and then push their way further up my spine. At first, I was lying sideways, a little twisted in a half side, half belly sleeping position. When the energy didn’t manage to move up fast enough it felt as hot as coming to close to an actual flame, so I intuitively moved on to my back, trying to let, whatever this was, pass through me. It finally made its way out through hands and head.
There was a pause in which my mind was surprisingly quiet, this kind of stillness when you can’t yet process what’s going on.
After a few seconds, the whole process began again. The energy starting from my feet and legs up the body. This time it got stuck on the level of my solar plexus, so I tried relaxing my body because I thought it just might have problems coming through if I tense up. After a while, the energy pushed through and moved all the way to my head and then everything stopped, for good this time. As soon as the energy was gone a wave of anxiety crashed over me. I felt like a little child in the deep dark night, alone and freaked out by what it had experienced. It took me a while to gather the courage to get up and go over to my partner’s room, where she and our dog were giving me a lot of comfort and calmed me down.
So this happened. I had no idea what it was. I vaguely remembered something about Kundalini, when thinking of energy crawling up the spine. So the next day I started researching. And sure enough, the descriptions fit what I had experienced. Okay so, Kundalini happened. What now?
Effects after the initial energy surge
For the next few days, maybe 5-7 days in total, I felt so deeply connected to other people, to every pair of eyes that met mine. Every human seemed extraordinarily beautiful to me. An exquisite masterpiece. Something I could only feel love and awe for. And I really mean EVERY face.
I job in a shop at the main station. And as it is with main stations, often times the saddest cheeks and bones gather there. People whos bodies tell the story of their suffering, big time. It always evokes sympathy, sometimes even pity in me. But this time it was pure beauty that I saw everywhere. There were distinctions of course, in the way the faces looked. It’s not like they looked all the same to me. I just didn’t hold a judgment in me, that would separate me from them. I was connected to everyone in the feeling of deep love and that was what I perceived on the outside, too. I was one and one was I, in pure love.
The beauty of love made me a seeker for more
Honestly, it’s the most exquisite state of being I have encountered so far. I feel like a junkie when talking about it and wanting to go back to it again. But that’s what I am now, a junkie (also known as a seeker). My dealer is called Kundalini, God, Universe or whatever you want to call it. Names are as always a necessity but not accurate in this realm of experience.
The last 6 weeks I have spent in a lot of moments of joy, peace, beauty and constant love. Ever changing, Kundalini was moving through me and teaching me whatever I needed to learn. I had a lot of anxiety, a lot of high energy and excitement and days where I let go and surrendered more than ever before. I experienced so much gratitude for exactly where I am at and for the first time in ages, I felt like I didn’t need to anything. No rushing, pushing, trying, needing more of something or someone but just a lot of relaxation due to the trust and surrender. The energy moving through me was obviously much more powerful and intelligent, than I could ever comprehend in my little human brain. So letting go of the reins felt right, logical even.
Guidance from without and within
I started reading about Kundalini, to comprehend what others had experienced and to cope with strong fears and anxieties coming up. I was all about trusting and letting go, as much as I could. My mind still wanted to have a little bit of fodder on this very new territory, so that when the next panic attack would come up, I’d have some frame of reference and maybe some tools.
At the same time, for the first time in my life, it seemed like the most important guidance was going to come out of my inner self. Nowhere else to look for answers, really. There is a new security and strength to me seeking truth inwardly, which ultimately lets me be more in the present moment and with myself than ever before. Or maybe it just feels like that, because when I’m present, it has a very different quality. It is so much more alive and full and fulfilling.
Trying to comprehend and my new status quo
I’m still trying to figure out what’s all happening. Every day is different. I thankfully don’t have had too many crazy ups and downs yet. I worked a lot on myself over the last few years. Therapy, self-development, meditation and healthier lifestyle choices are all conducive to a smoother ride, is what I read. And even though a lot of my healthy patterns have actually been turned upside down in the last weeks, I feel like it’s slowly coming back to me.
Looking back at the last three years, I’m speculating, that Kundalini might have been part of my life already for quite some time, without me knowing. There was a speed with which my life started changing about 4 years ago, which seems very typical for people with active Kundalini. But back then I was still a scaredy-cat when it came to spiritual stuff. I didn’t want those things to be true for me because of conditioning. But while meditating – literally every time I meditated regularly for a few months – some big shift would happen. So by now, after three years, Kundalini has maybe just shown her face much more direct, because she’s seen I’m not afraid anymore to seek and to accept things my mind cannot comprehend.
Today, as I am writing this, I’m feeling very exhausted. Since I had already had so much physical exhaustion in my life – or “playing dead” as I used to call it – it scares me quite a bit. But I’m trying to stay as relaxed as possible and give my body the rest and care it needs. Writing this blog post is cathartic. But other than that, no work today.
If you experience anything similar and want to have a conversation about it, I would be more than happy about that. It can seem scary and talking about it normalizes the process a little. For now, I wish you all lots of love and happiness. May your heart guide you, always.